Unrelenting motion of Time

I woke up last night around 2 having dreamt something probably action-packed and cool. But with a feeling of dread. My mind started racing and the feeling of dread grew stronger.

Usually I can't remember what I was thinking 5 minutes ago, but below is what I thought, remembered and wrote down. Its about being in control of the present.

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Daily life (career, social) is like having a small hummingbird flying beside me. And its my guide and its been with me for as long as I remember. And I follow it from glory to glory and I always have and I've prayed that I always will.

And it doesn't stop and I marvel at its steadfast nature. And if it were possible, I'd hold its hand and feel safe. But I talk to it, sharing my observations of the wonder that is life and love and earth and hope and friends and family... So many beautiful things and they're all here for me to to gaze at and play with and love.

Until the first time I trustingly, childishly naïvely muttered something like, "my shoe-laces have come undone, wait for me, please.." And there was no reply. In fact, there was no measurable response.

And I tried to stop. Because I thought I could. But I didn't. And I'm bent down on one knee and I've put my head down and my fingers were trying to grab the laces. But my body doesn't stop moving!

And that's when I really looked and realized that the hummingbird was beautiful - and very mechanic. And maybe I'm not walking beside it and its isn't moving but keeping me in the same place and everything else is moving. And if I trip or stop it will drag me like a dog tied to a car.

And I don't care if its me moving or actually everything else. Cos that's like asking your screaming, waking child which color running shoes she was wearing in the dream. Its very, very irrelevant when she thought she couldn't get away. From the mechanics of it all.

And until then I'd thought that I was important, that I was significant. And maybe I still am - but its a machine. Because its automated and it never stops. And there's no mercy and no grace. No hall pass or relief and when you close your eyes you fall.

But you learn to pick yourself up, regain your balance while being dragged by the throat. And what a small consolation that is. Because you know that its just survival. At the next beautiful but steep climb or serene creek you're going to have to keep up across the difficult terrain.

But who set hummingbird-speed to 5 km/h? Everybody else did. Cause "its a leisurely pace" and "everybody can walk 5 km/h, its a normal walking pace" and they're right. But its infinitly too fast when you stop. Lie down. And hold someone. And sleep.

Cos there's a time for everything under the sun. A time to sleep and a time to walk. And walking time is weekdays 9-22. Sat 10-18. Sleep is for Sundays. Unless you're a church-goer. Then sleeping time is when you die and go to Heaven. The Eternal Holiday.